Pupil In Politics Shame

The head boy of a ridiculously expensive private school has been expelled after taking drugs. The pupil, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted to experimenting with the highly addictive and dangerous substance, ‘politics’.

Speaking anonymously to The Tart, the student claimed that he had been tempted to try politics by illustrious, former users of the substance, including David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson.

‘It seems that if you want to get ahead in life you have to have tried politics at least once,’ said the 17 year old. ‘You can only do it when you’re young, though. Everyone’s entitled to a private life before they enter their profession, apparently, so you can do what you like’.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, a pupil has been removed from Harrow School after admitting that he took cocaine in the Easter holidays.

When asked by the Tart whether there was a drugs-culture at the public school, the spokesman responded: “Of course not. Why ever would young people, with large disposable incomes and plenty of time on their hands take drugs?” Before adding: ‘No, we haven’t a clue why the papers think this is national news, either’.

(This was originally published on thetartpaper.com)

Speed Cameras: How to beat them...

A million more speeding tickets are being issued now than ten years ago, according to the Conservatives. David Ruffley, the shadow police reform minister and part-time speed demon, declared that the speed cameras were a 'cash cow'.

'It's just another example of this Labour government kicking the motorist when he's down' said the shadow minister. 'It's a bloody disgrace. It's penalises honest, law-abiding citizens when the only thing they've done wrong is break the law – I mean, speed limit.'

It is not all bad news for motorists, however, according to the Institute of Traffic Studies. Dr. Geoffrey Bower, founder of the ITS, claims to have come up with an ingenious way to beat the speed camera every time.

'It involves nothing illegal, and simply a slight modification in driving technique', the boffin explained to The Tart. 'When one sees a sign with speed limit on it - say, 30mph – simply lift your right foot off the accelerator slightly, and then – with the same foot – apply pressure softly to the brakes.'

'Continue to do so until your “speedometer” reads 30mph, or less. This way you'll never be charged with speeding. It works with all speed limits. It's a wonder the government haven't yet closed this loop hole.'

(This story originally appeared on thetartpaper.com.)