Pupil In Politics Shame

The head boy of a ridiculously expensive private school has been expelled after taking drugs. The pupil, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted to experimenting with the highly addictive and dangerous substance, ‘politics’.

Speaking anonymously to The Tart, the student claimed that he had been tempted to try politics by illustrious, former users of the substance, including David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson.

‘It seems that if you want to get ahead in life you have to have tried politics at least once,’ said the 17 year old. ‘You can only do it when you’re young, though. Everyone’s entitled to a private life before they enter their profession, apparently, so you can do what you like’.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, a pupil has been removed from Harrow School after admitting that he took cocaine in the Easter holidays.

When asked by the Tart whether there was a drugs-culture at the public school, the spokesman responded: “Of course not. Why ever would young people, with large disposable incomes and plenty of time on their hands take drugs?” Before adding: ‘No, we haven’t a clue why the papers think this is national news, either’.

(This was originally published on thetartpaper.com)

No XXXX! You must be kidding, mate...

The Australian government is to take action against so-called ‘lager-louts’, according to the Daily Telegraph.

The hope is that new laws limiting drinking hours will help tackle alcohol fuelled violence, which has become a common occurrence in Australian city centres.

These measures, however, have proved unpopular with the average Australian, or Joe '24 pack' as he has been called.

Speaking to The Tart about the proposals Joey Ponting, a 43 year old builder from Melbourne, emphatically stated: “They wanna take my beer? They can XXXX off.”

The new laws are part of a larger, ongoing campaign dubbed the ‘War on stereotypes’.

Calling on international support for the campaign, the Australian PM, Kevin Rudd said: “Stereotypes are arguably the greatest threat to the international order since terrorism. It ain’t fair, mate. All you Europeans seem to think we’re just a nation of drunks. But, by dingo, it’s just not true.”

“As part of the War on Stereotypes we're also issuing bans on backpacking, and from March next year it will be illegal for any Australian to secure bar-work anywhere outside Australia.

"We've already been successful in our attempts to destroy the notion that the Australian cricket team is actually any good.”

The campaign has received support from all over the globe. The German Foreign Minister, lending his backing to the campaign, said: “People say Germans don’t have a sense of humour. I don’t find that very funny.”