Speed Cameras: How to beat them...

A million more speeding tickets are being issued now than ten years ago, according to the Conservatives. David Ruffley, the shadow police reform minister and part-time speed demon, declared that the speed cameras were a 'cash cow'.

'It's just another example of this Labour government kicking the motorist when he's down' said the shadow minister. 'It's a bloody disgrace. It's penalises honest, law-abiding citizens when the only thing they've done wrong is break the law – I mean, speed limit.'

It is not all bad news for motorists, however, according to the Institute of Traffic Studies. Dr. Geoffrey Bower, founder of the ITS, claims to have come up with an ingenious way to beat the speed camera every time.

'It involves nothing illegal, and simply a slight modification in driving technique', the boffin explained to The Tart. 'When one sees a sign with speed limit on it - say, 30mph – simply lift your right foot off the accelerator slightly, and then – with the same foot – apply pressure softly to the brakes.'

'Continue to do so until your “speedometer” reads 30mph, or less. This way you'll never be charged with speeding. It works with all speed limits. It's a wonder the government haven't yet closed this loop hole.'

(This story originally appeared on thetartpaper.com.)

Dyb, dyb, dyb! Knob, knob, knob!

Scouts aged 14 - 16 are to be given sex education and may even be issued with condoms, according to new guidelines from the Scout Association.

This policy comes after recent surveys suggested that British teenagers were 'at it like rabbits'. Chief Scout, Peter Duncan, remarked that: “We must be realistic and accept that around a third of young people are sexually active before 16.”

“I found one poor lad at camp who had fashioned himself a makeshift vagina out of a ball of string and some leaves. This has got to stop.”

The move has come under criticism from some quarters, including from noted sex-expert Ann Widdecombe, the Conservative MP. "This is not what parents expect of the Scout Association. They are sending their children off to a leisure activity, and to be stared at by grown men, not for intentional sex education.”

Supporters of the new guidelines responded: “Taking advice from Ann Widdecombe on sex is like asking for David Beckham's thoughts on quantum physics.”

The guidelines, however, do not note the important fact that if you are still in scouts and older than 13, then you will probably never get laid anyway.

(This story can also be viewed at thetartpaper.com here.)