Go to http://lazystudents.co.uk/2009/12/04/conservatives-plan-to-get-more-science-grads-teaching/ for a piece about the Tories' new education policy.

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Go to www.lazystudents.co.uk for anything you need to know about higher education.

Pupil In Politics Shame

The head boy of a ridiculously expensive private school has been expelled after taking drugs. The pupil, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted to experimenting with the highly addictive and dangerous substance, ‘politics’.

Speaking anonymously to The Tart, the student claimed that he had been tempted to try politics by illustrious, former users of the substance, including David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson.

‘It seems that if you want to get ahead in life you have to have tried politics at least once,’ said the 17 year old. ‘You can only do it when you’re young, though. Everyone’s entitled to a private life before they enter their profession, apparently, so you can do what you like’.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, a pupil has been removed from Harrow School after admitting that he took cocaine in the Easter holidays.

When asked by the Tart whether there was a drugs-culture at the public school, the spokesman responded: “Of course not. Why ever would young people, with large disposable incomes and plenty of time on their hands take drugs?” Before adding: ‘No, we haven’t a clue why the papers think this is national news, either’.

(This was originally published on thetartpaper.com)

Fresher Fumes

It’s very easy to get into smoking at University. One minute you’re a fresh faced healthy hearted being and the next you’re a sallow skinned, coughing, subhuman creature.

I’ve always prided myself on being a non-smoker and the best smelling person I know as a result. I had a friend at sixth form who used to come to English lessons at 9AM bringing a stench with her that would suggest an ashtray had vomited all over her. In fact, I stated this once and I suppose you could say that we’re no longer friends.

At any rate, I digress.

The point is that smoking is smelly, likely to induce heart attacks and cancer and financially beyond the means of any normal student...yet somehow, like so many others, I have allowed myself to get addicted to cigarettes at university. ‘Why is this?’ I hear myself ask. Well, before the smoking ban kicked in, we smokers and non-smokers socialised together in utter harmony.

However, slowly but surely over the last couple of years, a very definite segregation has taken place and one day last year, I realised that I’d been left all on my lonesome in a pub. I searched high and low for my friends and eventually found them at a normal height, huddling outside in the cold and breathing in the sweet fumes of carbon monoxide. I certainly felt left out so I too lit up and became what many call a ‘social smoker’.

The only problem with that is that at the beginning of university, one is pretty much socialising all the time and smoking has the advantages of being both a conversation starter (‘Can I borrow a light?’) and a means of finding oneself in a situation where conversation is possible and uninterrupted by loud music. Imagine it: “hell-ella-o-ella-I’m-ella

-Tom-ay-what course-ay-are -under- you-my-on?-umbrella”. This is the common situation in any union bar.

So, you can see how the enticing trap that the social benefits of smoking might draw an undiscerning student like me into. Not only do I smoke cigarettes...but now I’ve started on cigars, which are far more decadent I think but no less unhealthy.

Last week, I felt all uppity and on-edge all day long and the reason why only occurred to me whilst I was browsing the spirits in Essentials and a green and white coloured box caught my eye. The realisation spread like mould over me - I needed a fag. My situation is now dire and I’ve got a spot on my nose. What would I say to others? It’s probably best not to smoke at university, but it might help you make friends - but then again, so might joining a society and that probably won’t give you a look of permanent grubbiness and a putrid smell.

No XXXX! You must be kidding, mate...

The Australian government is to take action against so-called ‘lager-louts’, according to the Daily Telegraph.

The hope is that new laws limiting drinking hours will help tackle alcohol fuelled violence, which has become a common occurrence in Australian city centres.

These measures, however, have proved unpopular with the average Australian, or Joe '24 pack' as he has been called.

Speaking to The Tart about the proposals Joey Ponting, a 43 year old builder from Melbourne, emphatically stated: “They wanna take my beer? They can XXXX off.”

The new laws are part of a larger, ongoing campaign dubbed the ‘War on stereotypes’.

Calling on international support for the campaign, the Australian PM, Kevin Rudd said: “Stereotypes are arguably the greatest threat to the international order since terrorism. It ain’t fair, mate. All you Europeans seem to think we’re just a nation of drunks. But, by dingo, it’s just not true.”

“As part of the War on Stereotypes we're also issuing bans on backpacking, and from March next year it will be illegal for any Australian to secure bar-work anywhere outside Australia.

"We've already been successful in our attempts to destroy the notion that the Australian cricket team is actually any good.”

The campaign has received support from all over the globe. The German Foreign Minister, lending his backing to the campaign, said: “People say Germans don’t have a sense of humour. I don’t find that very funny.”

Speed Cameras: How to beat them...

A million more speeding tickets are being issued now than ten years ago, according to the Conservatives. David Ruffley, the shadow police reform minister and part-time speed demon, declared that the speed cameras were a 'cash cow'.

'It's just another example of this Labour government kicking the motorist when he's down' said the shadow minister. 'It's a bloody disgrace. It's penalises honest, law-abiding citizens when the only thing they've done wrong is break the law – I mean, speed limit.'

It is not all bad news for motorists, however, according to the Institute of Traffic Studies. Dr. Geoffrey Bower, founder of the ITS, claims to have come up with an ingenious way to beat the speed camera every time.

'It involves nothing illegal, and simply a slight modification in driving technique', the boffin explained to The Tart. 'When one sees a sign with speed limit on it - say, 30mph – simply lift your right foot off the accelerator slightly, and then – with the same foot – apply pressure softly to the brakes.'

'Continue to do so until your “speedometer” reads 30mph, or less. This way you'll never be charged with speeding. It works with all speed limits. It's a wonder the government haven't yet closed this loop hole.'

(This story originally appeared on thetartpaper.com.)

University Grading Changes

Universities across Britain are trying out new grade-cards in the hope that they can replace the 200-year old 'class' system with something fairer for students and more useful to employees. The system will focus more on extra-curricular activities, giving students credit for running and taking part in societies.

It's good that the universities involved, including - among others - Manchester and Newcastle Universities, are attempting to recognise the achievements of their students outside of the classroom. But basing a student's university degree on their extra curricular activities is utterly misguided and misses the main problem.

Employers have always looked for activities outside of the classroom. It is no use having a 2.1 in Business Management if you've never actually managed anything, or handled a business. These are skills that can't be picked up in the classroom, but can be picked up running a student society.

Whether it's a Neighbours Society, or the Theatre Society, if you are involved in them you will exhibit skills employers want. There is more skill in organising a successful bar crawl than there is in getting a 2.1 in an essay.

But rewarding un-academic activities with an academic grade will not solve anything – all it would do is corrupt the value of a degree.

You are at university to learn stuff. Generally stuff that you will never need to know again, but that's not the point. Students go to university to stretch their brains, to think and to develop academically.

If you're thinking of going to university for the 'life experience', don't. Go and have a life instead. Go travelling. Read something you actually want to, rather than something you're told to. Get a job. Get some useful skills. Do something, rather than pontificate and procrastinate.

The problem of university grading lurks instead in the cramped grade boundaries. Any dumb-ass can get a third. With not much effort at all you can get a 2.2. Put in a bit more and you get a 2.1.

But here's the kicker. Take me, for example. I'll probably end up with a 2.1. If I work fantastically hard, I'll get a first. Probably something in the low 70s (almost certainly no higher as I'm an arts student, and a first at around 72.5% is regarded as 'stratospheric'). But the difference in effort between my getting a 68% and a 72% is massively more than 4%.

Likewise, the effort of me getting a 68% compared to a 62% is way more than 6%. Both are 2.1s, but they sure as heck ain't the same level. University grades just don't reflect the effort put in or the true ability of students.

There is more to university than academia, but it should always be the focus. Giving academic credit for social activities defies the point of university. Instead universities should introduce a broader boundary for each class, rewarding those who have put in more effort, but not quite reached the levels of the higher class.

This is fairer on students and fairer on employers. It would put pride back into getting a 'good' 2.1, rather than the feeling of stunning averageness, and allow employers to see who is brightest. But they'll probably end up going for the guy who has actually done something. That'll be the president of Neighbours Soc, then.