Pupil In Politics Shame

The head boy of a ridiculously expensive private school has been expelled after taking drugs. The pupil, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted to experimenting with the highly addictive and dangerous substance, ‘politics’.

Speaking anonymously to The Tart, the student claimed that he had been tempted to try politics by illustrious, former users of the substance, including David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson.

‘It seems that if you want to get ahead in life you have to have tried politics at least once,’ said the 17 year old. ‘You can only do it when you’re young, though. Everyone’s entitled to a private life before they enter their profession, apparently, so you can do what you like’.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, a pupil has been removed from Harrow School after admitting that he took cocaine in the Easter holidays.

When asked by the Tart whether there was a drugs-culture at the public school, the spokesman responded: “Of course not. Why ever would young people, with large disposable incomes and plenty of time on their hands take drugs?” Before adding: ‘No, we haven’t a clue why the papers think this is national news, either’.

(This was originally published on thetartpaper.com)

Fresher Fumes

It’s very easy to get into smoking at University. One minute you’re a fresh faced healthy hearted being and the next you’re a sallow skinned, coughing, subhuman creature.

I’ve always prided myself on being a non-smoker and the best smelling person I know as a result. I had a friend at sixth form who used to come to English lessons at 9AM bringing a stench with her that would suggest an ashtray had vomited all over her. In fact, I stated this once and I suppose you could say that we’re no longer friends.

At any rate, I digress.

The point is that smoking is smelly, likely to induce heart attacks and cancer and financially beyond the means of any normal student...yet somehow, like so many others, I have allowed myself to get addicted to cigarettes at university. ‘Why is this?’ I hear myself ask. Well, before the smoking ban kicked in, we smokers and non-smokers socialised together in utter harmony.

However, slowly but surely over the last couple of years, a very definite segregation has taken place and one day last year, I realised that I’d been left all on my lonesome in a pub. I searched high and low for my friends and eventually found them at a normal height, huddling outside in the cold and breathing in the sweet fumes of carbon monoxide. I certainly felt left out so I too lit up and became what many call a ‘social smoker’.

The only problem with that is that at the beginning of university, one is pretty much socialising all the time and smoking has the advantages of being both a conversation starter (‘Can I borrow a light?’) and a means of finding oneself in a situation where conversation is possible and uninterrupted by loud music. Imagine it: “hell-ella-o-ella-I’m-ella

-Tom-ay-what course-ay-are -under- you-my-on?-umbrella”. This is the common situation in any union bar.

So, you can see how the enticing trap that the social benefits of smoking might draw an undiscerning student like me into. Not only do I smoke cigarettes...but now I’ve started on cigars, which are far more decadent I think but no less unhealthy.

Last week, I felt all uppity and on-edge all day long and the reason why only occurred to me whilst I was browsing the spirits in Essentials and a green and white coloured box caught my eye. The realisation spread like mould over me - I needed a fag. My situation is now dire and I’ve got a spot on my nose. What would I say to others? It’s probably best not to smoke at university, but it might help you make friends - but then again, so might joining a society and that probably won’t give you a look of permanent grubbiness and a putrid smell.

No XXXX! You must be kidding, mate...

The Australian government is to take action against so-called ‘lager-louts’, according to the Daily Telegraph.

The hope is that new laws limiting drinking hours will help tackle alcohol fuelled violence, which has become a common occurrence in Australian city centres.

These measures, however, have proved unpopular with the average Australian, or Joe '24 pack' as he has been called.

Speaking to The Tart about the proposals Joey Ponting, a 43 year old builder from Melbourne, emphatically stated: “They wanna take my beer? They can XXXX off.”

The new laws are part of a larger, ongoing campaign dubbed the ‘War on stereotypes’.

Calling on international support for the campaign, the Australian PM, Kevin Rudd said: “Stereotypes are arguably the greatest threat to the international order since terrorism. It ain’t fair, mate. All you Europeans seem to think we’re just a nation of drunks. But, by dingo, it’s just not true.”

“As part of the War on Stereotypes we're also issuing bans on backpacking, and from March next year it will be illegal for any Australian to secure bar-work anywhere outside Australia.

"We've already been successful in our attempts to destroy the notion that the Australian cricket team is actually any good.”

The campaign has received support from all over the globe. The German Foreign Minister, lending his backing to the campaign, said: “People say Germans don’t have a sense of humour. I don’t find that very funny.”